i am stuck. in limbo. out of thoughts that are worth expelling.
locked keys in car this morning because i got nervous when a ashole rushed to pull out next to me. unrequieted love. lovelessness, and lonliness. longing for a comfortable familiarity lost long ago.
how am i going to make it in the world? how am i going to make it in the world with a child depending on me when i can't hardly take care of myself?
(baby, i think we're seriously fucked...)
tired all the time. without insurance, without sensibility, without comfort.
where am i going? it's hard to plan for the future when you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. 9 long hours on feet, not a moment to sit. it's always, "miss, miss. coffee." is that my name? miss coffee.
maybe i'm taking myself too seriously. maybe i need some time alone. i'm so bitter, so angry. how can i fix that before the baby comes? samadhi royal. i don't know that i should even give him his name. i can't have his name or his word... why should i give him my child?
child... my child...... in less that 70 days he'll be here. my child. how do these things happen? when does god decide to let one slip in through the cracks? a lot of the girls i know get abortions. i didn't even think about that, and after you decide not to, wondering if you did the right thing is sacrelige or something. this whole experience has actually been awful. not so much the pregnant baby stuff, but the circumstances and experiences i've endured. there's only so much strength one should have to muster, and i think mine's worn thin long ago.
sarah is in london, and so there's noone in this country to hold me together in all the essential ways. people are too evasive without being very effective, like curing a cold with a labotomy. that's what it feels like to me anyhow...
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